Have you ever seen an aantel? They are usually seen wearing long kurtas, sandals and jholabags haunting their natural habitats in College Street, Coffee House, Nandan and Jadavpur, exuding an aura of self-importance, pretentiousness and an ethereal wisdom. Reports have had it that they were fast becoming endangered since the '80s, but due to conservation efforts, they have made a sort comeback in recent years. However, aantels are an extremely sensitive species; it is recommended that people keep certain points in mind while approaching the Feral Aantel. Things that will make the stereotypical bourgeois Bengali intellectual hate you:
1. You do not give a rat's arse about Foucault or Derrida or Sartre- Expect people to stare at you with looks ranging from genuine pity, to incredulity at your apparent illiteracy. Seriously. Nobody cares about the fact that you know your thermodynamics.
2. You do not like obfuscation or obscurantism- What sort of conversation DOESN'T require you to use a thesaurus? If an aantel were a chef, a conversation would be like a very spicy curry. Random academic jargon and names of philosophers, poets, revolutionaries or sondesh-er dokan are much like the bhoot jolokia chilli. You will be so overwhelmed by such a curry, that most of you will be waiting for the ordeal to pass. The few of you who can stomach it may just realise that the curry really had no flavour other than the excessive spice, but most of you won't care to call the bullshit when you see it.
2. You do not like obfuscation or obscurantism- What sort of conversation DOESN'T require you to use a thesaurus? If an aantel were a chef, a conversation would be like a very spicy curry. Random academic jargon and names of philosophers, poets, revolutionaries or sondesh-er dokan are much like the bhoot jolokia chilli. You will be so overwhelmed by such a curry, that most of you will be waiting for the ordeal to pass. The few of you who can stomach it may just realise that the curry really had no flavour other than the excessive spice, but most of you won't care to call the bullshit when you see it.
3. You think Baul, Mohiner Ghoraguli or Leonard Cohen are lame- 'Really? We do not care that you have developed an appreciation for Mozart, Chopin or Nikhil Banerjee. You don't like Baul. You suck. Period.' The undue fascination with Baul is because Bengalis never quite had hippies or Jimi Hendrix; a Baul Mela is the closest thing we have to Woodstock, and Bauls and Fakirs are usually high on ganja, just like Hendrix was usually high on acid. Mohiner Ghoraguli because bands are the shizz. I don't know why they like Cohen, but 'touched your perfect body with my perfect mind' may be the most aantels way of saying 'I wanked off to you.'
4. You don't pretend that you actually liked Goddard- 'Aantel cinema is not to be liked or understood. As a matter of fact, the less you understand something, the better it is. That shows the true brilliance of the director.' [By the same logic, the Transformers franchise is probably the greatest thing to happen to cinema, but Michael Bay is a corporate sellout, unlike Goddard]
5. You prefer Saratchandra to Nabarun and Madhusudan to the Hungry Generation(Not to mention your disdain for Albert Camus)- [a random aantel somewhere just suffered a stroke]
6. You do not idealize or admire the Naxals- Remember people, if aantels were Shi'ite Muslims, the Naxal era might be their Karbala.
7. You do not like Marx or his successors- That's like not liking Jesus Christ to an average Christian. Also, it makes you a bourgeois, capitalist, neoliberal, imperialist, racist, fascist sunnavabitch.
8. You may have sided with America or Israel in certain situations- 'Imperialist CIA agent!'
9. You think Parliamentary democracy is the best system we have- 'You crazy? Boycott the general elections! Nothing good will come off it anyway. They're all a bunch of sellouts.'
10. But they'll also hate you if you actually buy that and refuse to participate in the Student or Worker's Union or Film Club elections- 'This is different, dumbfuck! That's the state, this is us. We're the good guys.'
11. You've supported Government policy from time to time- 'Sellout!'
12. You don't hate corporations- 'Corporate Sellout!'
13. You openly like pop culture and mass media- The dirty little secret is that like oral sex, almost everyone enjoys it, but much like oral sex, you're not supposed to talk about it in the open. It's uncool. Haven't you watched 'Manufacturing Consent'?
14. You don't like their double-standards on sexuality- Aantels will tell you all about how love is intellectual or mental or something blah blah blah, but bottom-line is that looks apparently have very little to do with it and their 'sexuality' is just a physical manifestation of 'love'. Very well. But very few of them have partners wo are not considered conventionally attractive. But that shouldn't be weird. Also 'Porn is exploitation, you should really see bukkake videos and see what I'm talking about.'
15. You think weed is the shizz- 'Fucking stoners....'
16. You do not think that weed is the shizz- 'So you think the Government should decide what I put in my body? Fuck you. Weed is good for you, have a toke mahn!'
17. You don't believe in 'counter-culture'- This is a double entendre; aantels tend to believe in the power of alternative art changing the world, if you don't, they won't like you. But you want to know what they really hate? Smoking an entire cigarette by yourself. You must always give them 'counters'. It's like the aantel equivalent of income tax.
18. You don't think Hinduism is the worst thing to happen to mankind(This includes a more or less equal disdain towards religion in general)- 'Hinduism is goddamned evil! I'm gonna eat beef just to piss off these khaki chaddis.' So, what about pork to piss of Muslims? 'We must respect the sentiments of those who are religious. We cannot impose our atheism on others'. Okay......
19. You support a (Gender-neutral) Uniform Civil Code- 'What the fuck, man? You support those khaki chassis? Fascist!' [Gender equality be damned]
20. You want to get rich and ride a BMW- .........
21. You make offensive lists about a particular stereotype thereby essentializing a community. Fuck You.
6. You do not idealize or admire the Naxals- Remember people, if aantels were Shi'ite Muslims, the Naxal era might be their Karbala.
7. You do not like Marx or his successors- That's like not liking Jesus Christ to an average Christian. Also, it makes you a bourgeois, capitalist, neoliberal, imperialist, racist, fascist sunnavabitch.
8. You may have sided with America or Israel in certain situations- 'Imperialist CIA agent!'
9. You think Parliamentary democracy is the best system we have- 'You crazy? Boycott the general elections! Nothing good will come off it anyway. They're all a bunch of sellouts.'
10. But they'll also hate you if you actually buy that and refuse to participate in the Student or Worker's Union or Film Club elections- 'This is different, dumbfuck! That's the state, this is us. We're the good guys.'
11. You've supported Government policy from time to time- 'Sellout!'
12. You don't hate corporations- 'Corporate Sellout!'
13. You openly like pop culture and mass media- The dirty little secret is that like oral sex, almost everyone enjoys it, but much like oral sex, you're not supposed to talk about it in the open. It's uncool. Haven't you watched 'Manufacturing Consent'?
14. You don't like their double-standards on sexuality- Aantels will tell you all about how love is intellectual or mental or something blah blah blah, but bottom-line is that looks apparently have very little to do with it and their 'sexuality' is just a physical manifestation of 'love'. Very well. But very few of them have partners wo are not considered conventionally attractive. But that shouldn't be weird. Also 'Porn is exploitation, you should really see bukkake videos and see what I'm talking about.'
15. You think weed is the shizz- 'Fucking stoners....'
16. You do not think that weed is the shizz- 'So you think the Government should decide what I put in my body? Fuck you. Weed is good for you, have a toke mahn!'
17. You don't believe in 'counter-culture'- This is a double entendre; aantels tend to believe in the power of alternative art changing the world, if you don't, they won't like you. But you want to know what they really hate? Smoking an entire cigarette by yourself. You must always give them 'counters'. It's like the aantel equivalent of income tax.
18. You don't think Hinduism is the worst thing to happen to mankind(This includes a more or less equal disdain towards religion in general)- 'Hinduism is goddamned evil! I'm gonna eat beef just to piss off these khaki chaddis.' So, what about pork to piss of Muslims? 'We must respect the sentiments of those who are religious. We cannot impose our atheism on others'. Okay......
19. You support a (Gender-neutral) Uniform Civil Code- 'What the fuck, man? You support those khaki chassis? Fascist!' [Gender equality be damned]
20. You want to get rich and ride a BMW- .........
21. You make offensive lists about a particular stereotype thereby essentializing a community. Fuck You.
